This Lady’s Hair Fights Her Battles For Her! And Wins!

Loyola University Chicago — On Wednesday, January 15th, Soccer Mom Haircut and Son were attending a college tour while bearing the particularly aggressive Chicago wind chill. The events following the end of their tour were equally chilling and happened in a flash. Thankfully, her son, we’ll call him Frosted Tips for reference, was able to give The Gull a general recap.

When their tour was over, Frosted Tips remembers his mother saying she was, “tired as a bitch.” Although she associated this exhaustion with her lack of Vitamin D — a euphemism for crippling seasonal depression- she conceded that it was time for a snack, particularly one to meet her health standards at Damen’s “Rollin and Bowlin” smoothie shop.

Smoothie maker Buzz Cut claims he shivered when he saw her hair enter the building, “So sharp and so demanding.”

Soccer Mom Haircut told Buzz Cut that she wanted her son’s future classmates to know she has bravery coursing through her genes, so she ordered the “Tittyberry Healthy-asf Explosion.” This coincides with what a police investigation uncovered in her search history to be numerous visits to tastebudexcursion.com, a website cataloging “low-cal, full-fun foods for the mom with the adventurous, figure-conscious tongue.”

Frosted Tips admitted in his interview with The Gull that he would have walked back to his hotel out of embarrassment, but he “[hasn’t] gotten much action lately” and hoped the Tittyberry would help refuel his wilting testosterone.

After she took the first sip, Soccer Mom Haircut scowled in disgust, began to froth at the mouth, curled in a fetal position and rolled around on the floor of “Rollin and Bowlin.” At this moment, Buzz Cut realized and admitted that he had given Soccer Mom Haircut a more caloric Strawberry Banana smoothie instead of her requested Tittyberry one.

A few minutes passed, and Soccer Mom Haircut was wreaking more havoc than the student center had ever seen before. She literally began to catch flames. Frosted Tips desperately used the rest of the smoothie to extinguish said flames, but his mother only became angrier. Within seconds, Soccer Mom Haircut morphed into one giant mop of hair and emerged from the floor with a gun and shot towards Buzz Cut at least 26 times.

Buzz Cut defended himself by throwing Target gift cards at the dangerous hairdo until it was too late; it had already made its way to the Marriott Hotel to avenge her disappointing continental breakfast. All that was left at the scene were long strands of radioactive hair and the word “MANAGER” etched in bullet holes on the wall.

Soccer Mom Haircut’s current location is still unknown, and Frosted Tips is now an orphan. However, he shrugged and told The Gull that this has happened a couple of times before and that she will probably “pull up at the house from the salon” within the next fortnight. Nevertheless, this coverage serves as a warning to all managers and clerks alike in the state of Illinois. This is what happens when one mom doesn’t get the Tittyberry smoothie she demands.